a tell-tale heart

There are many things I should have told you right away -
the way my heart fluttered the day you first said my name,
the way my smile was a starburst the day you first kissed me,
the way I was all butterflies the day you first told me you loved me;

and there are many things I quite forgot to say -
how I sat alone always hoping you'd sit next to me,
how I wrote sometimes and realized I was thinking of you,
how I wanted so much to just listen to you, because you were clever, oh so clever;

and there are many things I don't say as often as I should -
that I miss you when I can't feel your pulse on mine,
that I love you every day in more ways than I can write,
that I think of you when I'm lonely and the stars shine cold;

but there is one thing I am always afraid to say -
I am sorry.

I'm afraid to apologize because that means admitting
I have failed you, admitting
I was wrong.

It means you were counting on me and I let you down.
And brave as I may pretend to be,
I have never been brave enough to say it.

I have let you down silently
and I have hurt you in too many ways to ever be alright,
and I have let you move mountains for me
while watching from behind blank screens and
woven realities that let me make believe I was weak enough
that you needed to take care of me.

But the demons in me have all grown up,
and they are far too strong to surrender -
and darling, I don't think you've yet understood
that I cry not because you are hurting me -
but because I'm afraid of how much I'm hurting you.

Because sometimes I forget my own strength
and sometimes, I can't spin words into love -
sometimes, darling, I run out of ways to remind you
that my heart is yours, and that this means
you are always loved, and that
sometimes, you will be hurt beyond measure.

I'm sorry.